There is Only Turning

I have heard at numerous times in various ways that theology serves as a type of get out of jail free card. That theology tends towards weak thinking. There remains in the realm of intellectualism and academy a form of struggle over positioning, de-positioning, and un-positioning; over claims and counter-claims of oppressive and liberating models, theories. These are good and valuable. But I need to come to grips that at present any participation I have in this forum is towards self-gratification and self-legitimation. Perhaps it would be possible for me to engage in the spirit in which I would like to, that it might lead towards healing. But at current I am not . . . I am not . . . that might be nice.
Theology, for me, is not self-legitimation nor does it represent any sort of 'pass'. Theology is my attempt to think and live faithfully. This has been an uneasy, though sometimes easy and also sometimes painful process, and continues to be; this, though, has left a panorama shot through some with pin-holes of darkness that ease the blinding light. I believe this orients me to a cosmos which is moving seen from a perspective that is shifting . . . but which may still offer navigation . . . as one might navigate something living and more than living . . . resurrected?
I am a weak man (begin to read the beginning of Notes here) . . .
And so I need to turn not initially and not finally and also not away from intellect to spirit, these cannot be divided. But I need to turn more basically. No I need to turn more simply. I need to turn to my rising in the morning. I need to turn to my sitting at meal time. I need to turn to my solitude and to my fellowship. I have been turning to myself, to gut myself, to portion myself a offering of dead flesh . . . but this is a finality that allows for no more turning. And I must, as a human, be able to turn. The church sings,
There is no shadow or turning with Thee
Perhaps, I don't know, but with humans there is only turning.
And in my turning I will turn to and then past and then to again those who think in manners that I do not. I hope only to be blessed by them, though they will not speak the blessing. I do not know where my turning will face and away from whom it will keep me. As I move I am always turning, tilting, shifting. My cheek will need to turn and so will my thinking. I have no doubt in the accompaniment of nausea . . . perhaps there will yet be sea legs but I know I will also turn to land again whose apparent solidity will rock my planted feet.
And what of time?
In turning, eternity
The temporal, tempting
(sorry for the poor verse)
Time came with the Fall. Time came in Adam and Eve's hiding. Time started in the attempt to stop turning. And so since turning is impossible to stop time took up the task to turn and set a limit on life. But that limit is not binding or is only partially binding. For we can yet turn.
This is my theological faith. This turning is always on the horizon of death, but like death there really is no horizon.